First, always remember that relationship means investment.Gains from investment versus loss from not investing.
Revealing Yourself leads to Trust- without with it's always all uphill work.(Bringing Your Real Self to the First Date)
Gains: Support, the benefit of a doubt, a background of trust and respect.Losses w/o: No support, suspicion, no trust and respect, adversaries.
Connection, Rapport: Your partner needs to know that you are for and with him/her.Integrity, Honesty: Your partner needs to trust in your word and actions. That you will not try to make things sound good when they aren't. That you have the best interests of the him/her and of the family at heart.Competence, Knowledge: Your partner needs to know that you know what you are doing; and doing what you know well.Availability: Your partner needs to know that you are available to them when they have concerns.A Real Relationship: Your partner needs to know that you are a real person and not just a role- wife, husband, spouse.
- to integrate learning about effective techniques despite unconscious or semi-conscious previously acquired maladaptive responses;
- to become aware of how and when one sabotages more adaptive responses;
- to apply more adaptive responses despite the drive to satisfy or appease urges that will sabotage constructive interaction;
- to be aware of his/her own self-esteem, security/insecurity, fears, strengths & weaknesses (the origins of why he/she has had to previously sabotage more adaptive responses).The individual needs to be aware of and understand his/her own real self to the point where he/she no longer needs to sabotage him/herself.
*** The ADULT PARTNER who comes to you with a problem, demand,or crisis, is VERY MUCH LIKE THE CHILD WHO COMES TO YOU.*** Like the BABY and the CHILD, the ADULT IS IN A STATE OF, OR FORM OF DISTRESS!*** When IN DISTRESS, EVERY PERSON whatever the age wants and needs SUPPORT AND VALIDATION.*** When any person is in distress, in the immediate moment, THE FACTS DON'T COUNT!!
*** Before and Later don't matter- NOW IS WHAT COUNTS!*** Make the emotional connection to the person. Validate his or her feelings.*** The person WILL CONTINUE TO BE DEPRESSED, NEGATIVE, COMPLAIN, ATTACK, OR DEMAND (usually intensifying) according to his/her personal style UNTIL HE OR SHE GETS THE VALIDATION or until he or she is depleted.FOUR INGREDIENTS FOR VALIDATION AND CONNECTION
*** A part of this message is that HIS/HER FEELINGS ARE NOT FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT FROM YOUR OWN FEELINGS.
*** The feelings/issue at hand are going to be RESOLVED NOT BY VIRTUE OF RELATIVE STATUS, POWER, OR AUTHORITY, BUT INSTEAD BY BEING EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED.
*** If frustration, anger, or fear is your dominate state at the time, the OTHER PERSON WILL SENSE YOUR ANGER AND WILL NOT FEEL VALIDATED.*** A RECEPTIVE, GENTLE TONE COMMUNICATES ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTANCE of the person's upset state, and offers him/her a bridge out of his/her upset; your calmness is like a lifesaver thrown into his/her turbulent sea.
*** TOUCH IS THE PRIMARY FORM OF VALIDATION.
*** This is a further solidification of the contact, and INADEQUATE ON ITS OWN.*** TOUCH, EYE CONTACT/BODY ENGLISH, & TONE ARE OFTEN ENOUGH IN THEMSELVES.*** THE VALIDATING MESSAGE IS NOT JUDGMENTAL. It is AN OBSERVATION OR LABELING of what is.*** THE LABELING of what is- what is happening, is in itself REASSURING.*** A person will NEGATE VERBAL VALIDATION WITH CONTRARY TOUCH, PHYSICAL EXPRESSION, AND TONE. The other person will almost always feel this.
"I can see that you feel terrible about this....""If I thought that had happened to me, I certainly would be upset too....""I imagine this is quite frustrating for you....""I'd be worried too....""It would be hard for me to not be scared too....""That doesn't feel fair, does it?....""I understand, I'd get mad too if I thought someone wasn't being fair....""It must be difficult to have to have to bring this up....""I would be surprised and disappointed too.....""I can understand how you may feel betrayed by us....""I get mad too, when I can't get what I want...."
*** THE REALITY MESSAGE CANNOT BE HEARD UNLESS VALIDATION HAS OCCURRED FIRST.*** THE REALITY MESSAGE IS EXPERIENCED AS INVALIDATION when presented WITHOUT PRIOR VALIDATION.
*** THE REGRET PHRASE of your Reality Message CONVEYS EMPATHY AND CONNECTION TO THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF THE OTHER PERSON.
"Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time for that..." (Message is that you want it too)"My problem was that it would have been hard for me to do that because of ..." (Message is that although you want it too & have tried for it, there are obstacles; it wasn't just arbitrarily decided)"Despite everything, sometimes things just got out of my hands...." (Message is that you are trying and are doing your best, but that some things are beyond intervention)
On the other hand, if the PARTNER IS CORRECT, I.E. HAS A LEGITIMATE COMPLAINT, you must acknowledge that, and commit to it yourself.
"I should have been on top of that. I'm know I messed this.""I agree. That's something I need to improve on.""I made a mistake. I should have acted differently.""I messed up. That's my responsibility. I have to do that better.""I need to be clearer.""I'll make sure next time."
Whether or not you agree or disagree then you must, offer what you can do or are willing to do and are going to do (including alternatives) ***and explain it****
"I'll change how I do that.""I'll make sure.""If you want me to, I'll just...."
1) To attack back;2) To get defensive;3) To placate;4) To disassociate;5) To distract;6) To run;7a) To take the high ground morally.7b) To take the high ground intellectually.
1) By KNOWING WHAT YOUR PERSONAL DEFENSIVE STYLE is when attacked or otherwise negatively affected, and being aware that it has been evoked, THEN YOU CAN MORE EASILY RECOGNIZE HOW YOU HAVE BEEN AFFECTED;2) If you recognize that you have been negatively affected (perhaps, attacked), then you can try to INTERFERE WITH YOUR NORMAL DEFENSIVE RESPONSE;3) If you can stop your normal defensive response, then it becomes possible for you to REALIZE THAT HE/SHE HAS ATTACKED OR REACTED NEGATIVELY BECAUSE HE/SHE IS IN DISTRESS!;4) Once you recognize that he/she is in distress, then you can INITIATE THE VALIDATION PROCESS AND TECHNIQUES.
"I'm really glad you brought this up.""I really need your help to do better.""I know it wasn't easy to complain, so I want you to know that I appreciate your trust in me to bring this up.""I'm glad you gave me a chance, instead of being upset and keeping it all to yourself."
1) "I'm really happy that we're talking, so that you can fix yourself!"2) ......so you can admit how wrong you are!"4) ......so I can prove myself right!."5) ......so I can hurt you back!"
1) "So I/we find out how doomed we are."2) To save the relationship3) For the kids
To learn better Communication Skills
To learn how to express feelings appropriately (how to be mad w/o becoming abusive, be sad w/o becoming helpless, be caring w/o becoming condescending, etc.)To learn how to receive expressions of feelings appropriatelyTo learn how we fightTo recognize damaging fight techniques (dirty fighting)To learn how to fightTo learn how to fair fightTo identify what each of us needsTo learn how to be vulnerable, resilient, and available
To learn why we fight
What are our scripts- what we bring from our families of origin (including cultural differences)What are our expectations that we bring into the relationship: conscious, semi-conscious, & unconsciousWhat are our secrets and rules
To build appropriate boundaries and define healthy rolesTo break negative cycles of interactionTo understand our temperamental fit and misfitTo achieve clarity
Clarity that the relationship is over, or should endClarity that the relationship should go onClarity that there is hope, that the process is not finished
To make the one last attempt (so I can leave you w/o feeling guilty about not trying enough).
To be happy as individuals first and as a couple second (or is it the other way around?)
A partner will comment about a behavior that s/he finds uncomfortable or negative in the hopes that the other partner will figure out the implicit message- that is, the expectation of the commenting partner is that the receiving partner will process thus- "Since s/he mentioned that, it must be something that bothers her/him. And, since I care for her/him, I will automatically change my behavior." Commenting may be one- sided or mutual.
After commenting about the behavior, but getting no response (change), the partner will complain specifically about the undesirable or absent behavior. The expectation of the complaining partner is that the receiving partner will process thus- "Since my partner has complained specifically about this behavior, and since I care for her/him, I will automatically change my behavior." Complaining may be one-sided or mutual.
After complaining about the behavior, but getting no change, the partner will move from complaining about behavior and begin complaining specifically about the other person; in other words, the partner begins criticizing the other person's personality or character. The logic of the criticizing partner is "Since my partner who I complained to has not changed his/her behavior, there must be something wrong or corrupt about his/her personality or character." Criticizing usually becomes reciprocal.
After criticizing the other partner's personality or character, and still being frustrated in getting the behavior the partner desires, the criticizing partner adds intentional insult to the criticism, thus conveying a sense of disgust, that is, contempt for the other person. At this point, any positive qualities or previous good experiences are forgotten, and the partner begins to abusively treat the other person. The logic of the partner holding contempt is that, "My partner has failed to behave properly because s/he is disgusting, stupid, incompetent." Contempt tends to be very reciprocal!
After contempt enters the relationship and both partners are abusing each other, both feel victimized by the other, and respond by being defensive about his/her behavior. The logic of each is, "It (including my behaviors) are all her/his fault. Her/his behavior and/or flaws forces me to behave so negatively in response. I know what her/his evil motivations are (mind reading)." Instead of answering complaints or criticisms, each responds with her/his own set of complaints or criticisms.
After engaging in the fruitless negative and painful cycles of arguing, eventually one or both partners disconnect from her/his partner in order to avoid the pain of caring for someone who appears to not care for you reciprocally, to avoid the rejection and abandonment, and to attempt to stop the mutually abusive battles.
CAUSE: development, age, maturationTREATMENT: satiation of developmental needsIMPLICATIONS/JUDGEMENTS: person is reacting normally to normal developmentTOLERANCE: high (if developmental stage is recognized)
CAUSE: situationTREATMENT: change the situationIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: person is reacting normally to the immediate situation only; the behavior is not something he/she does all the timeTOLERANCE: high
CAUSE: fatigue, hungerTREATMENT: treat condition- rest or feedIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: person is reacting normally to the condition; condition changes, then behavior changesTOLERANCE: high
CAUSE: fear, anxiety, joy, sadness, griefTREATMENT: validate emotions, teach appropriate expressionIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: person is reacting normally; colleague or supervisor may have judgment about appropriateness of the feelingTOLERANCE: high (depends on own comfort w/expression of emotions)
CAUSE: personalityTREATMENT: adjust for temperament/ socializeIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: person is reacting based on innate normal traits for him/herTOLERANCE: *high for temperament, *low for behavior
CAUSE: family/school systems, turmoil, constraints- dysfunctionalityTREATMENT: alter system, change environmentIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: person is reacting normally to an adverse environment; victim of the environmentTOLERANCE: high- sympathetic (colleague/supervisor may have guilt)
CAUSE: person's psychological problem/disorderTREATMENT: treat problem/disorder- "sick" patientIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: something is wrong with the personTOLERANCE: low to high?
CAUSE: evil or rotten essenceTREATMENT: abandonment, punishment, damnation, or seeking of spiritual interventionIMPLICATIONS/JUDGMENTS: person is unsalvageable by another's activity or interventionTOLERANCE: none to ?
SAY: What I FELT.What I WANTED.What I LIKED or DIDN'T LIKE.
THEN SAY: What I think YOU FELTWhat I think YOU WANTEDWhat I think YOU LIKE or DIDN'T LIKE
SAY: What I DID when I was upset.What I want to happen INSTEAD.What I can do DIFFERENTLY or BETTER next time.
TOGETHER decideWhat WE can do differently or better.PLAN for the next time.CLOSE by shaking hands or hugging.
1) Honor the feelings of the person to whom you are speaking;2) Honor the value relationship between you and the person;3) Honor your own integrity- your need to be honest;4) Honor the higher purpose the relationship between the two of you serves; and the both of you own;
"I need to tell you something that is very difficult for me to say. I realize that it may feel hurtful or critical or make you feel uncomfortable, and I really don't want that to happen but I need to say it. I also know that it may harm our relationship...a relationship that I enjoy and value but again I need to say it, because I don't know how to not say it and be honest with myself; or not say it and be true to the reason we're here together in the first place. I need to speak out for us both to do right by ourselves and our mission. Is it ok if I tell you?"